As my time draws near, I have come to see just how proud all of you should be of me. Over the past few years I have done incredible good for the world. From the plaque of me outside the Burger King on Fulton Street in Brooklyn (Who said I couldn’t eat Jackie Gleason’s weight in ketchup packets?) to the small village on the outskirts of Timbuktu that bears the name “Jason City: A Division of the CHUD Group” I have inspired and conspired against a lot of people. In the spirit of the New Year I am here to list my top 10 accomplishments so far.
10. Building a house made completely out of cardboard in Spokane,WA.
09. That brief six month period where I could control the size of Barbara Walters’ hair with my mind. Had my new found ability not run its course she was to be signed on for the lead role in the smash remake of “Hair Spray”
08. Shaving advertisements into my chest hair. My nipples bled to the point where hospitalization was needed after I tried to shave the theatrical poster for “The Mummy:Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” into my chest.
07. Saving a group of nuns from a burning bus and replacing them with gasoline soaked criminals.
06. That variety hour I did with Carol Burnett that aired on Al-Jazeera. The headlines the next day read “TV Legend Beaten To Death For Showing Ankle; Serafino Does It Again”
05. My impromptu sword fight with Dan Rather.
04. Discovering America’s long lost 51st state, “Maine II”
03. Making a pair of pants made out of recycled garbage for the homeless as a part of my charity, “Lets fuck around with hobos”
02. Going back in time and pushing Abe Lincoln in front of John Wilkes Booth’s bullet that was meant for the actor on stage that was sleeping with his wife.
01. Creating a new sport, “Ragball” The sport where I ball up ether soaked rags and throw them at female joggers down by Overpeck Park.



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