Douglas Skittlehands

      As Doug walked down the street he felt an intense rage build up inside of him that released through his vocal chords.

       “Dammit!!” Doug screamed.

       “What?” Doug’s roommate Philip asked.

       “I’m all out of skittles again!” Doug replied.

       Doug, a chubby man of average height, held up the empty “Family Size” bag of Skittles to his roommate. Philip, Doug’s skinny mooch of a roommate, had always been aware of Doug’s Skittle problem. In fact the reason why Doug liked Phil so much is because Phil’s hair is as “red as the most delicious of cherry skittle” according to Doug.

       “Do you want some of my M+M’s?” Phil asked.

       “ Pfff M+M’s” Scoffed Doug. “You mean Skittle’s ugly step brother. No Phil, I want to taste the rainbow not disgusting government surplus chocolate.” Doug ranted.

       “Okay, anyway Doug our rent is due at the end of the week.” Phil said

       “Wouldn’t it be great if I could never run out of Skittles?” Doug pondered

       “Yea, Doug about the rent. Remember Mr. Rossovich said he would break our thumbs if we’re late with it again.” Phil said.

       “ Never ending Skittles ….. I would do anything for that.” Doug said

       “ Yea sounds great. But, Doug my thumbs. I really need those. I mean I don’t get many dates and I just bought that new videogame system.” Phil said.

       “I would even sell my soul for never ending Skittles.” Doug interrupted.

       Suddenly both men were shocked to find a brand new vendor on the sidewalk. Doug and Phil would walk these streets everyday picking up loose change from the floor to provide them with income. Phil would tell people that his job was in “Financial Recovery”. So naturally the sight of a new vendor intrigued the both of them. The new vendor stood behind a red cart with yellow flames painted on the side. The man was wearing a handsome white suit complete with a red bowtie. His black hair was neatly slicked back and a long moustache kept his upper lip company (it would have fit perfectly in a Dudley Do Right cartoon.)

       “How do you do gentleman?” the vendor asked.

       “Pretty good” both responded. “My nose is kind of itchy.” Phil said for some reason.

      “That’s a shame.” The vendor already seemed frustrated with Phil.

       “You must be new here.” Phil said.

       “Oh, I’ve been around for a while” the vendor said.

        “What’s your name? You look like a Lance. Are you a Lance?” Doug asked.
       
     “Lance? What’s you problem? That’s a Joshua if I have ever seen one.” Phil butted in.
     
       “Actually my name is Stan my lads.” The vendor spoke.
      
        “Ha! I win!” Phil said jubilantly.

        “How?” Doug asked.

        “Joshua is closer to Stan than Lance.”

        “…closer to Stan?” Both Doug and Stan stared at Phil.

         “Do you have a last name Stan? Or is Stan your last name?”
        
          “Just Stan, kind of like Madonna or Cher.” he said.

        “It doesn’t look like you’re selling anything Stan, your cart is empty. Unless you’re selling air. That doesn’t work I’ve tried. In fact there is still a legal case pending against me in Kansas because I sold a 10 year old boy some ‘cancer curing’ air.” Phil said.

        “No no. I sell something different. I sell wishes” Stan said “Do any of you have a wish that you want granted?” Stan asked.

        “Hmmm. Well I could use some Skittles” Doug said.

        Stan reached into his pants and pulled out a brand new bag of Skittles and handed the bag off to Doug.

        “You carry Skittles around in your pants?” Phil asked.

        “Usually” Doug replied “….. Oh you meant Stan.” Doug replied.

        Then without blinking Doug inhaled the whole bag. He mulled over whether or not he should lick clean the sweet innards of the bag, but he was soon interrupted.

        “You want more?” Stan asked.

        “Sure” a rainbow tongued Doug replied.

        “What if you never ran out? That would be pretty cool, huh.” Stan asked.

        “That’s my dream. Do you think you can make it happen?” Doug replied.

        “Please, I got Ben Affleck an Oscar. After that I believe anything is possible.” Stan reassured Doug.

        “What do I have to do?” Doug asked.

       “Just sign this contract” Stan replied.

        Just then Stan pulled out a contract that was seven lines long. Doug grabbed Stan’s quill pen and began to write his name.

        “Whoa! Doug! You’re not going to even read it?” Phil protested

        “Normally I would but …. all that reading. Nobody ever gets ahead in life by reading. Did you know Eisenhower was illiterate?” Doug replied.

        “Fine, give it to me and Ill read it” Phil said.

        Phil grabbed the contract and began to read it. Halfway through the first line Phil was fast asleep while still standing.

        “A real scholar your friend is. Anyway just sign your name and we’ll be on our way.” Stan said.

        Doug lifted up the quill pen and finished his signature. And just as soon as the last letter of his name was finished, the contract, Stan, and Stan’s cart were gone.

        “Wow” said Phil “……Do you think he was a magician?” He asked.

        “Probably. Or some type of gypsy. Oh man, I guess I’ll never get those Skittles” Doug said disappointedly.

         As they walked up to their apartment both young men radiated an air of defeat around them. Doug felt defeated for being tricked by Stan who he thought was a “slick big city magician.” And Phil felt defeated because he just lost $45 in a bet with a 9 year old on whether or not the word gullible was in the dictionary.

       “Next time I see that kid I’m going to kick his ass” Phil snapped.

        “You mean the nine year old with gout that swindled you out of $45” Doug replied.

        “Yea, that little bastard” Phil said.

        Doug disgusted with how the day turned out decided to go into his room. Doug approached the door and grabbed the knob. Just as he grabbed the knob the door started to glow like a rainbow. After a few seconds the door crumbled to the floor. Doug was shocked when he saw that it wasn’t a pile of broken door on the floor. In fact it was a pile of Skittles.

       “Sweet Sassy Molassy! Skittles as far as the eye can see!” Doug exclaimed.

       “Oh My God! The Door! Mr. Rossovich is going to kill us! Oh my God! My Thumbs! He’s going to break my thumbs!” Phil screamed.

       “But Phil, look at the floor.” Doug pointed out.

       Phil ogled the pile of delicious candy on the floor. Racing through Phil’s feeble mind were potential explanations for this tasty new talent that his roommate somehow acquired. 

       “Skittles!! Do you think that magician had anything to do with this?” Phil naively asked.

       “ I would assume so. But then again I do stand in front of the microwave while eating Skittles a lot. Maybe the radiation had something to do with it?” Doug said.

       “The microwave only made me go sterile. And the doctor said something about damaging my brain; I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention.” Phil said.

       Doug, looking to see if this was a permanent fixture in his life, decided to go around the apartment touching everything he seemed fit to “skittle-ize.” First, Doug went over to the encyclopedia collection his grandmother bought him. Soon enough the whole collection of books, still in their original wrapping, were transformed into a glowing pile of Skittles. Doug leapt on to his hard wood floor sucking Skittles up like an ant-eater. Phil observed in horror as his diabetic prone roommate inhaled over 435 Skittles off of their floor; a floor which has not been cleaned since the Clinton administration. Doug got back to his feet with tears of joy streaming down his face. He went to reach for a tissue which instantly turned into more Skittles.

       “ This is the best day of my life!” Doug said still sniffling slightly.

       “Even better than that day we found a half eaten pizza in that person’s backyard?” Phil asked.

       “Phil, how many times do I have to tell you that was a little girl’s birthday party? Remember? We ran away from the cops and you slammed your head against that tree branch.” Doug responded .

       “ No…..” Phil replied vacantly.

       “And to answer your question yes, this is much better” Doug said .

       Doug then decided to go into the refrigerator and in the process turned it into Skittles as well. However this did not stop him from eating these rainbow colored remains. Doug then proceeded to turn all of the vegetables in the fridge to Skittles.

      “You know Doug this is a very dangerous gift you have” Phil warned.

      “Dangerous? Yea a never ending supply of my favorite thing in the world. Doesn’t sound like much of a curse to me.” Doug replied “And when Ashley comes over later she‘ll agree with me that this is the best thing I’ve ever done. If an endless supply of Skittles doesn’t impress her I don’t know what will.” Doug said.

       “But Doug, you can’t touch her. Or else you’ll turn her into Skittles as well.” Phil said.

       “So, I just won’t touch her. That’s fine with me” Doug said.

       “Well that doesn’t sound too different then your other girlfriends” Phil said.

       “By the way it only goes off if I touch her with my fingers. I can touch her with other things if you catch my drift” Doug smiled.

       “Do me a favor. Don’t try to create a new way to shake my hand” Phil said.

           
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
          Ashley arrived at 7:30. Doug started the evening off by mistakenly turning her $600 coach bag into even more Skittles. Doug hid the evidence by swallowing the pile whole. 

       “So Ashley, what do you want to do tonight” Doug asked.

       “I thought I would cook you dinner” Ashley said.

       Doug stood there trying to think of a way he could eat a home cooked meal without having it turn into Skittles.

       “That sounds like a plan. What are you going to cook?” Doug asked.

      “Well I only know how to make eggs. So I’ll just whip up some omelets. Hope you have plenty of vegetables!” She cheerfully said.

      “Yes…vegetables of course ….” Doug said guiltily.

      After finding a lack of vegetables and even more Skittles than usual strewn about the house Ashley starts to worry about her boyfriend’s physical well being.

      “Well Doug, your apartment lacks vegetables or anything natural to eat” she said

      “Yea you missed it…. I ate my usual six helpings of vegetables right before you got here” Doug lied.

     “Yea your labored breathing and split in the back of your pants somehow makes me doubt that.” she responded  “Doug I want you to do me a favor. No more sweets and especially no more Skittles. Too much sugar and fatty foods can make you soft …. all over.” She warned.

      “Okay Ashley, for you no more sweets” Doug said.

      Now Doug desperately tried to figure out a new way of eating. He finally came to the conclusion that he would need to dive face first into every meal he had for now on. He was also disappointed to realize that his dream of Ashley being proud of his new gift was officially out the window.

     “Good. Your gonna be my thin ripped boyfriend.” She said “So do you wanna go into your room and watch a movie?” Ashley asked.

     “Yea sure. What do you wanna watch?” Doug asked.

      “Doesn’t matter” she said.

      The two walked into Doug’s door less bedroom and shut off all the lights. Ashley threw her arms around Doug and started to kiss him. Doug stood completely still with his hands in his pocket.

     “You have protection right sweetie?” Ashley asked.

      “Yea sure right over here” Doug replied.

       As Doug went to reach for his Pathmark brand condoms they turned into Skittles right in front of him.

     “Oh shit” he thought “Maybe Phil was right. Maybe this is a curse”

     Claiming that the protection was taken care of Doug jumped on top of Ashley. Being careful not to touch her with his hands he kept his fingers near the desk next to his bed.

      “Baby what’s wrong? You seem a little timid today. Is it that weird rash again?” she asked.

      “No. No. I’m fine. Just, my palms are a little sweaty” he said.

      As Ashley’s eyes were closed Doug spotted an uneaten Skittle on his desk. He carefully picked it up between his thumb and index finger. Doug, much like Popeye, felt an instant rejuvenation when his favorite food hit his lips.

       “Man that hits the spot” he silently stated.

       “I’m glad you like it” a naïve Ashley said.

      Just as Doug was done licking his fingers Ashley gave him a love bite on the side of his neck. Surprised by this, Doug instinctively flailed his arms. In the middle of this androgynous flailing Doug’s hand smacked Ashley flush on her right cheek.   

      “Ouch! Babe not so rough!” she screamed.

      Doug froze. He hadn’t touched a human since his new gift was bestowed upon him. What would happen? Did he just send Ashley to that big candy store in the sky?

      “Nothing happened” a now relieved Doug thought.

      Suddenly Ashley’s face started to turn a pale shade of orange, then green, then red.

     “Babe. I’m not feeling so good” she said.

      She leaned over the bed to throw up. She started to violently heave. Then to Doug’s horror he witnessed her throwing Skittles up all over his floor.

      “This can’t be good” Doug said.

      Ashley got out of bed to stand up and run to the bathroom. Suddenly, her legs collapsed into a pile of Skittles on the ground.

     “ Doug!” she screamed “What’s happening!?!”

     “I think your turning into Skittles” he said.

      “What! Why!?!” She screamed.

       “Ummmm Why Not?” he said.

      “You Fat Fuck! I know your behind this you better fix this or else im going to tell everybody that …………………..”

      And just like that she was gone. The girl that was only going out with Doug because of a dare was now resting peacefully as a pile of Skittles on the floor. In a panic Doug ran out of his room only to see Phil sitting right outside seemingly listening to the whole thing.

      “Phil! I have a potentially delicious problem on my hands” Doug said in a panic “….. were you out here the whole time listening to Ashley and me?” Doug asked.

      “Yea …. I always listen to you when you’re with a girl” Phil said.

      “What! Why!?!” Doug screamed.

      “I don’t know …. I guess I get a little lonely. That and you patched up the peephole I used to have in there.” Phil said.

      “Ok I’ll deal with that one later. First things first I ‘Skittled’ Ashley” Doug said

      “ Skittled huh? Sounds pretty steamy” Phil said.

      “ NO! I mean I turned her into Skittles. She’s dead” Doug said.

      “Oh No! What are you going to do?” Phil asked.

      “ I’m going to do the honorable thing” Doug said.

       “Turn yourself in?” Phil asked.

       “No… eat her remains” Doug said.

       Phil spent the next 15 minutes watching his sobbing roommate eat the “Skittled” remains of his girlfriend. Ashley’s body was the equivalent of 6500 skittles ( she had put on a little weight herself recently) and Doug ate most of them. He took a handful as a constant reminder of the love he felt for her, and in case he got hungry later.

      “Man, I don’t know what I’m going to do” Doug said while licking his fingers.

      “First gather up all the money you have” Phil said.

      “That shouldn’t be hard I only have $47 under the couch cushion” Doug replied

     “Hmm not bad. Secondly you have to buy a bottle of bleach to dye your hair. Then hop on a plane to Mexico” Phil said.

     “Yea one problem with that. I can’t touch anything. I’m cursed! I’m a monster!!” Doug began to cry.

      “Why don’t you get a job at the Skittles factory? They’ll probably pay you good money, and they can never run out” Phil suggested.

    “Don’t you get it. I just killed someone. And I’ll kill again. I can’t spend my life not touching things” he moaned.

      “Why don’t we find Stan?” Phil said.

      “Yea. That’s a good idea” Doug replied.

      The two men rushed down to the corner where they first met Stan but he was still gone. They asked everyone they saw and no one ever even heard of him.

    “I have an idea” Phil said “I’d sell my soul for a bag of peanuts”

     Just as Phil uttered those words a red mist enveloped the street. As the mist dissipated it revealed Stan and his cart.

    “Ahhh my satisfied customers. Back again so soon. I’m assuming it is the redhead this time around that wants a wish granted” Stan replied.

     “No Stan, I want my wish taken back. I killed the only girl who would sleep with me. And by mistake turned Phil’s collection of Hogan’s Heroes collectable plates into Skittles.” Doug said

       “You what!” Phil screamed.

      “We’ll talk later” Doug said.

       “ Unacceptable you cannot back out of your deal now. I’m afraid this little gift is of the permanent variety.” Stan snapped “You should always read your contracts” Stan smiled.

      Doug grabbed the contract out of Stan’s hand and started to read it.

      “No,no,no,no” he repeats over and over.

       “What is it?” Phil asked.

      “My soul ….. I gave him my soul in exchange for this. It’s irreversible” Doug said

      “What kind of magician steals people’s souls!!?” Phil screamed.

      “Yes I stole your friends soul……magician? I’m not a magician???” Stan looked confused.

     “Well….what are you then?” Phil asked.

    “Well I thought I was pretty clear with the red colors and the sign on the side of the cart”

     Doug and Phil look on the side of the cart and it read “Official Cart Of The Devil: Stealing Souls Since 400 B.C.”

      “Are you trying to tell me that you’re some type of Wizard?” Phil asked.

     “I’M THE DEVIL YOU FOOLS!!!” Stan screamed “God, I’ve never been so infuriated with anyone in my life. Not even all that time I spent with Nixon was this annoying.” Stan remarked.

     “So what now I’m stuck like this forever?” Doug asked.

      ”Well there is one way to give up your gift. But, it won’t be pleasant.”  Stan said.

       ”What is it? I’ll do anything” Doug pleaded.

      Stan pointed his finger at Doug who was instantly surrounded with a red mist. All of a sudden Doug sat straight up. He was shocked to realize he was back in his own bed covered in sweat.

      “Oh my god! I’m home” Doug said reassured.

       Doug rushed over to his desk and touched it and ……. Nothing. Nothing at all. His gift was gone. Stan had kept his end of the bargain.

       “Oh, thank God!” Doug cried out in joy.

      Just as he said that his phone rang, it was Ashley.

      “Ashley baby it’s really you. Let’s go out right now. Let’s see a movie I don’t care I just want to see you. And baby I’m never eating another Skittle again, in fact I never wanna see another Skittle again.” Doug said.

     He hung up the phone and went into his kitchen and was greeted by Philip who offered Doug a bowl of cereal.

     “O man sweet cereal. All natural healthy granola cereal” Doug said excitedly

     He grabbed the cereal and poured it into his bowl only to be absolutely paralyzed with shock.

       ”Skittles! The whole box is filled with them!” Doug screamed.

     “Ummmmm yea where have you been? That’s all there is” Phil said “It’s been like this forever. Remember the food shortage of the late 70’s? The Skittle corportation saved the world. Like they were sent from the angels.” Phili smiled fondly as he loaded his insulin pump.

   “What do you mean? That’s impossible!! This can’t be happening!!”

   Doug got up and ran from the room.

 “Doug! Buddy! Take a jacket it’s raining out” Phil screamed.

  Doug ran down the stairs of his apartment out into the rain. But, instead of drops of water there was only Skittles. Thousands upon thousands of Skittles pouring from the heavens onto Doug’s head.

    “NO!! NO!! Skittles. That’s All There Is!!! Skittles! Skittles! Everywhere!!” Doug lay on the sidewalk crying.

    A shadow soon engulfed him. It was a familiar shape. It was Stan….

   “Got your fill yet Doug?” Stan walked away leaving Doug on the pavement sobbing into a pile of what will haunt his dreams, the color of a rainbow.